Shake, Rattle and roll.

This week is a good week for me.  It is the week I have off in my three week on one week off cycle of Taxol/Avastan.  I always look forward to the week off.  I regain a bit of energy and some strength.  Learning to get around in the new house in Colorado is a bit challenging because there are stairs.  It is three levels so there are two level that use stairs.  The basement and the upstairs.  I lived in one level ranch style home in Texas.  Having the lung mets makes going up and down the stairs a breathless adventure.  But by the end of the third week of chemo my lungs are less fluid filled and it is easier to go up and down all those steps!

I noticed last night that the left lung, (the one they haven't done thorasentisis on) is filling up.  I could feel it shaking trying to fill with air, and hear the rattle of the fluid as I lay on my side in bed last night.  It shouldn't bother me, because they fill up a bit every month between treatments on my week off.  What bothers me is that it has always been the right side that has the greater amount of fluid and fills up.  but this time it is the left side also filling.  So, Last night I lay awake thinking about what it is like to live with your lungs battling against you.  I tossed and turned and rolled around in bed.  My heart was heavy and very sad.  It was the first time that I truly thought about my lungs.  They are so important, and they are sick.  Diseased with the breast cancer mets.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that the progress of my cancer has been controlled.  I just never really mourned the loss of function that I have.  So, last night I lay awake and wallowed in sadness for the things I am losing.

I pray that Cancer takes nothing more from me.  It has left my right arm painful and weak, with neuropothy in my right hand.  My pelvis is always is pain and walking or sitting in a strange position hurts, and my lungs are scared from having thoracentisis performed to remove fluid.  The left side has always been the stronger side and now it is getting weak.  I think it is all just a bit much.  The positive in this is that the doctor hasn't put me on oxygen yet.