Wishing I could turn back time.

Hello people,

I wish I had a more optimistic feeling post to write tonight. Unfortunately today I feel utterly horrible. It is day three of post chemo, with a bitch slap. I feel down physically and emotionally. Having just "celebrated" my two year cancerversary, I should just be so thrilled to be alive. Instead I find myself wishing I could turn back time and become who I used to be. An active, fit, woman. Two years of feeling ill has left me battle weary. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired. I've recently taken a job and it is so so much more physically demanding than I had thought it would be. I get it now. When I told my oncologist I was working at target, he said " good for you, that won't last long" Now I get it. He knew what I had to experience. It is just a matter of coming to terms with the fact that I am a terminally ill person who needs to take better care of myself. It is just so difficult. I really want to please people and not let anyone down. I feel that by having a job I am helping my husband and best friend to support our family. Today I called in ill to work. The pain is bad, and the pain makes me nauseated. It never even occurred to me that working a job as a cashier would be so physically difficult for me. The hours standing in one spot hurt my hips, moving things that are heavy ( cases of beer, furniture ect) from one side of the register to the other is really hard on my arms. It is something that one can take for granted. Having healthy bones that don't hurt I mean. But when you hurt it can become your singular focus. I don't want to be that woman who does nothing but complain about how poorly I feel. I'd like to be a positive and enthusiastic person who people are happy to be around. Not a person who people dread seeing because of all the negativity I shed.

How do you go about convincing yourself you feel well when you don't, and maintain an optimistic outlook when you don't have one? I guess even healthy people have down days. I'm really hoping that tomorrow is a better day. In fact, I'm praying for it.


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