Pain, like a living entity.

Two years or slightly more ago, I began to feel pain in my arm and hips.  I passed out in the driveway on the hottest day of the year.  I lost weight, and gained weight.  I went through reconstructive surgery and suffered a few infections that landed me in the hospital.  My oncologist discovered that I had high protein in my urine and checked me out for diabetes.  I was also checked out for lupus because it fit all my symptoms.  The aha test was negative and I didn't have diabetes so they sent me to a rhuematologist  who told me that I had fibromyalgia.  That didn't feel right.  In my heart I knew there was something else going on.  But since I see an oncologist every three months I figured if it was cancer they would have caught it.  I was suffering from pain, and the pain was causing fear.  Below I tell you how the dictionary defines pain.  Then I will tell you the was it really is.

This is the definition of pain as defined in the Merriam-Websters Dictionary:

Definition of PAIN

a : usu. localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also : a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action b : acute mental or emotional distress or suffering : grief
plural : the throes of childbirth
plural : trouble, care, or effort taken to accomplish something <was at pains to reassure us>
: one that irks or annoys or is otherwise troublesome —often used in such phrases as pain in the neck
It is interesting to me that the first definition of pain is simply the word punishment.  When diagnosed with  a disease it isn't uncommon for person to wonder what they are being punished for.  I know life doesn't work like that.  I choose to see that this disease can in some way bless my family or others.  First it will allow me to act with grace as I live with it which will teach my children and my friends and extended family grace and maybe a little style. 
How do I define Pain?  Picture this.  Pain is an actual force, a physical presence.     In my minds eye pain is an old sinister man who has ragged scars and sores all over his being.  He sits next to me where ever I go.  He whispers the most hateful things.  He tells me that my arm and hips will throb, and he tells to me to sit down and give up.  He utters hopeless words like "suffer!'  And when I do suffer he smiles, although it looks more like a snarl when he does it.  When I tell him that I refuse to suffer, and I take a pain pill or choose to do busy work to distract me from the pain, in my minds eye, he rolls into a ball and begins to rock back and forth.  He chants, "no, no, you need to give up and give in to this feeling"  I remind him that feelings change from moment to moment and tell him that as soon as I get busy doing something or if the pain is really bad take a pain pill, that the "feeling" will pass.  He cries when he hears that.  Pain doesn't like being told that he is temporary or that I have the power to change him into something else.  He really Hates being told that I can turn him into busy work that will produce results.  It truly bothers him that when he is at his worst I can take a pill and make him go away.  Poor pain, I almost feel sorry for him.  It is sad for him that I am winning this war that he wages.  Today, He set an all out assault on my arm, hips and ribs.  As I scrubbed counters, did laundry and made a list of the errands that I was going to run, I know I saw a tear drip from his eye.  He asked if he could come with me on my errands, but the pain pill was taking effect and I had to tell him NO.  It brings a smile to my face to see him disappear.  Then I remember that the first definition of pain is punishment and he has definitely been punished.  He picked the wrong woman to try and bring a life of pain.  
I win!! 

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