what do you do?

Yesterday I had my taxes done. The lady asked what I do for a living. It was hard to respond. I can't really work now that all my time is spent having chemo, tests, and fighting against fatigue! So, my answer was I survive. But she couldn't put that on the form so I said house wife. It sort of through me into a depression. To top that off life is happening around me. My oldest moved back to Texas. He left on a two day drive yesterday and arrived today. I knew that he was a Texas through and through when the first snow fell in Colorado and he told me he was homesick for Texas. I am so proud of him for setting out on his own. Moving is rough emotionally. I know that this move is good for him cause he has all his friends there, and it is familiar.

Now, how am I doing? The partial remission thing isn't as exciting as I thought it would be. Still being on the same chemo regime is tough. I am looking forward to taking my taxol break starting in May. The plan is to take Avastin and my zometa once a month for as long as I can before the metastasis spreads again. I am hoping for many months. It is my cancerversary this month. It was the 31st of March that I got the call, then on the 7th of Apri that I got the full picture of my diagnosis with the oncologist. Man it has been a long year filled with doctors and tests. But to go into even a partial remission so amazing. I am truly blessed. Now if my hair would just grow longer faster! I have that Twiggy short hair. Not my style. Oh well, You can't have everything

Leslie

Life is so unexpected, expecially when it is extended.

Hello people,
I am a girly girl. My interest in surface level stuff is deep. All that stuff washes away and what you really are remains. I am a woman with metastatic breast cancer. Diagnosed 10 mere months ago, after 2 yrs of being sick and misdiagnosed. Today I want to go deeper than make up. The past 10 months have been extreme. I have 3 weeks of chemo a month with a pretty intoxicating witches brew of science to try and shrink the tumors. Those tumors are in my right arm bone, both lungs, both hips and in right chest wall. I've lost my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and all traces of femininity. It is much harder to put on my face or do my hair. In the midst of all of the treatment, being sick, and physical pain, I have made myself get dressed up and do my makeup and hair almost every day. Trying to feel noral is my new normal.

I make myself stick to the routine of being normal, I have managed to move from Texas to Colorado. I have gone to England for the week of the royal shin dig. Traveled with my daughter to Dothan Alabama. Recently traveled with my husband to New Mexico for a family celebration. I have forced myself to do more outside of my comfort zone in the past 10 months than I have done in the past 5 years. Because of these excursions, I have seen a more beautiful life than ever. Sunsets, snow drifts, cactus, an amazing owl that lives on our land, lots of deer. Even more beautiful are the people that I have spent time with. My closest family members, old friends, and new friends, church too.

Oh don't get me wrong, I am still a girl to the core and love shopping, clothes, make up and all those superficial things. This week I got news that made life positively glitter. I am in remission! No I am not cured. It will most likely come back, but God only knows when. I get to stay on chemo to keep myself in remission, with a short drug break from one of my chemo drugs for a couple of months this Spring/Summer. It may be tacky to see so much beauty in life when you know that you are dying. But the beauty I see is less fake sparkle and more true beauty. Less things and more moments. I had to share this great news with my beautiful life people. Thank you for sharing in this news.

Leslie

NED!-No Evidence Of disease

So, some of you know that I recently had a PET scan. Today I got my results. There is no evidence of disease. I am in remission! I still get to do chemo to keep me in remission, and when I am ready to I can take a couple of months break from the taxol, but they will keep me on the avastin. They will increase the amount of avastin, and of course I will continue to take zometa to strengthen my bones. So, it isn't a total break, but instead of three weeks on one week off, it would be once a month. So, for a few months this Spring and Summer I will take a break. YAY! The chances of the cancer reoccuring in the same spots I already have it are pretty great, But I am praying for a looooong remission!!

Great news!!!!!

Leslie

Women say dumb stuff to other women with cancer

Well, heck, men say dumb stuff too, but it hurts more when it comes from a sista.



I particular love hearing about all the "cures" and stuff that People "heared" about.

Leslie

Shake, Rattle and roll.

This week is a good week for me.  It is the week I have off in my three week on one week off cycle of Taxol/Avastan.  I always look forward to the week off.  I regain a bit of energy and some strength.  Learning to get around in the new house in Colorado is a bit challenging because there are stairs.  It is three levels so there are two level that use stairs.  The basement and the upstairs.  I lived in one level ranch style home in Texas.  Having the lung mets makes going up and down the stairs a breathless adventure.  But by the end of the third week of chemo my lungs are less fluid filled and it is easier to go up and down all those steps!

I noticed last night that the left lung, (the one they haven't done thorasentisis on) is filling up.  I could feel it shaking trying to fill with air, and hear the rattle of the fluid as I lay on my side in bed last night.  It shouldn't bother me, because they fill up a bit every month between treatments on my week off.  What bothers me is that it has always been the right side that has the greater amount of fluid and fills up.  but this time it is the left side also filling.  So, Last night I lay awake thinking about what it is like to live with your lungs battling against you.  I tossed and turned and rolled around in bed.  My heart was heavy and very sad.  It was the first time that I truly thought about my lungs.  They are so important, and they are sick.  Diseased with the breast cancer mets.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that the progress of my cancer has been controlled.  I just never really mourned the loss of function that I have.  So, last night I lay awake and wallowed in sadness for the things I am losing.

I pray that Cancer takes nothing more from me.  It has left my right arm painful and weak, with neuropothy in my right hand.  My pelvis is always is pain and walking or sitting in a strange position hurts, and my lungs are scared from having thoracentisis performed to remove fluid.  The left side has always been the stronger side and now it is getting weak.  I think it is all just a bit much.  The positive in this is that the doctor hasn't put me on oxygen yet.

Getting settled in Colorado

Getting settled in Colorado hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be.  Finding a new oncologist wasn't as hard as I thought.  It was all the moving and unpacking that took it out of me.  You see, I expect myself to be able to do all the thing that I used to do.  But since cancer has taken over my life, I find that I fatigue faster and can accomplish less.  The problem with me really is that I don't want to let anyone down, so I try to do as much as I used to be able to do, and it is exhausting.  Anyway.... getting settled has been pretty good now that most of the unpacking is done.  I have found an oncologist and already have 2 treatments under my belt.  Starting chemo over after having almost a month off from it freaked my body out though.  I do really like the new oncologist.  I will call him Dr. R.  And he has a really professional staff of nurses.  The things he is telling me and the tweaks to my treatment have been very positive and encouraging.  My sweet hubby is also seeing Dr. R as a new leukemia patient.  Fortunately he is asymptomatic and isn't being treated right now.


Other than adjusting to the dry cold weather, I think I will be just fine here.  Isn't life just a series of adjustments anyway?



Leslie

Moving through life with terminal cancer

Let me just start by saying that people crack me up.  I do mean in a ha ha laugh out loud sort of way.  People hear that you have metastatic breast cancer and choose to only hear the breast cancer part.  Susan G Komen has the public so programmed with the words march for the cure, that people just focus on cure.  But breast cancer reoccurs in a large majority of women.  Once you have breast cancer you are monitored for years if not for the rest of your life.  People don't consider that metastasis is terminal.  So, I often find myself explaining it to them.  What I have is terminal, and there is a time frame on my life.  The difference between the average person and I is that we are both dying, but I have an idea of the basic time.  Most women live 5 years from diagnosis, others can live as long as 10 and completely baffle oncologists by doing this.  The statistics beyond 10 years are few.  I realize that this is profoundly true in a lot of different types of metastasis.  My husband lost his father this week to bladder cancer that had become metastasis.  It was very sad to watch him be ill, and then decline.  I watched him be sick with different eyes than everyone else though.  What I saw was my future.  I saw how it affected his family and his children.  My husband in particular.  It is bitter sweet.  I know that I want to be as concerned for my family and their well being as Kamel was.  One of the most touching things was that he wanted to make sure the batteries in the fire alarm were fresh.  Kamel, thank you for showing me to be concerned with even the smallest details as I move through my life with cancer. 

Why do I tell  you this?  Well, despite the fact that I have a better idea of when I am dying I still am living.  Part of this is moving from Texas to Colorado.  I have a lot of family between my  inlaws, and my own side.  So, here we are!  Today, we closed on our new home, and will be moving in around Tuesday if not sooner.  Hopefully sooner.  One of the first things that I will do is check the fire alarms and replace the batteries.