A strange and foriegn land

There is no more of a lonely place on earth than this island called cancer. I wish I could simply describe to you the ways it changes your life,changes the way people perceive you and the way you perceive yourself. Let's start with how life changes. First you loose everything that makes you feel remotely female. Your hair, lashes, and brows, and in some cases your breasts. Then you lose your energy during chemo. Which causes people to feel you are being "short with them" It takes a lot more energy to deal with routine situations. Since each situation begins with an energy deficit, you are already tired and this makes your personality sparkling and very social! This is particularly wonderful in chaotic social functions. People expect you to think, act and behave as you used to. You feel sick to your stomach. Sometimes your constipated and other times you can't keep anything inside. I call this the feast or famine syndrome. Then there is the constant cold and hot fluctuations. Your body bloats and retains water. This is extremely fun. It helps keep you looking fashionable. NOT! In my case one of my chemo meds Avastin causes high blood pressure. So, now I get to take blood pressure meds. Which causes me to retain water. So now I take water pills. Now I pee all the time and I'm bloated! Yay! The chemo also tore up my esophagus. Now I get to take prevacid! Woo hoo! I have pain almost constantly, ( this adds to that sparkling personality I mentioned earlier) Which means.... you guessed it... I get to take pain meds!!!! There is also the not being able to sleep well at night because of the pain and the constant brain racing. So yea, I take a pill for that too. All these pills are loads of fun. Those are just the most basic and obvious changes. There are also tons of Dr. Visits. PET scans every 3 months, or more frequently if there is a reason to think the cancer has returned. Blood work every week. Let's not forget peeing in a cup. Everyone enjoys THAT, right? The way people perceive you is really interesting. It can run the full spectrum really. There are the people you know and love that disappear from your life. The people you never knew who act like they know and love you. And the complete strangers who identify you as a cancer patient, and feel this gives them the right to tell you all about their (fill in the blank relative) who had just exactly what you have and the berry of the rare hoochie coochie tree cured them. Oh believe me! I have heard some cures!! (Hydrogen peroxide?!? Really?) There are folks who treat you like you have the plague. Others helpful beyond human comprehension. Then some folks who just plain don't care. Sometimes even people who know better, don't fully understand. Then there is how you perceive yourself. I used to be an active, social, busy woman. Now all I want to do is take a nap. Or take a bath. Or be still and quiet. But how do I see myself? I'm a lopsided (ei one breasted) scarred, wispy haired, bloated, fatigued woman. Seeing myself as womanly isn't what I see. I am in fact a woman, but I don't feel womanly. Best analogy to create a word picture of how I see myself is, I am a dry sponge. This hasn't been written to be discouraging or negative. This is just the way it is. It is what it is as my husband would say. Hopefully your cancer journey is happier than mine. As you navigate cancer, a strange and foreign land, I pray your journey is brighter and more comfortable. One could say that right now I have hit the acceptance stage, and everything is very black and white. Thank you for stopping by to read my blog. I promise the next post will be more uplifting. Leslie

Video update on recent PET scan results

Hello People! I have great news on my most recent scan. Of course I wanted to share it with YOU! I hope that this video is informative and helpful. If you should need to ask questions or want to comment, feel free to comment below or email me. Leslie

What I do for a bad hair day

Hello people, We all have what we call a "bad hair day" from time to time. I never really appreciated the blessing of a bad hair day until I lost my hair to chemotherapy. Once the hair had vacated the premises, I got to get wigs, and hats, scarves, and chemo caps. Now my hair is growing in thinly and there are a few spots that are still very much scalp exposed! Here is a photo that is a few days old. It gives you a solid idea of how long my hair is and how thin it has become.

Have you heard the saying that "a woman's hair is her crowning glory?" It may or may not be. But I tell you once it is gone you sure do miss it. Even the simple act of putting your hair into a pony tail is missed. Wigs are nice, but they itch and are unnatural feeling. I suppose if I were to wear them often enough I'd get used to it. It sure is a shock to my family when I try out this wig. They don't like the look of bangs, and tell me to go without the wig. There is something confidence building about having hair. Even if it isn't your own hair. I wear hats often to hide the little bald spot at the crown of my head. I have an upcoming event wear I will get to wear an evening gown, and really don't think it would look lovely with a ball cap or a cancer hat. So, today I am retrying the wigs I have. Right now I am wearing the long blonde wig. I really wish I hadn't cut the bangs. But I did, so there ya go. Here is a picture of what that looks like.

I would love to know what you think? Should I wear a wig with my fancy dress or just go for it and be semi bald? If you have style advice for me please place a comment below or send an email to the email link that is in the side bar to the right. I look forward to and appreciate your insight and advice! Thanks, Leslie

Swim suit shopping, could there be any thing more humiliating?

Life can certainly throw you interesting curve balls. Right? Here I am in Colorado, and the snow has barely melted. My incredible husband is getting to go to the Camen Islands for a trip. I get to go with. Don't get me wrong, I feel totally blessed. There is just one tiny problem. Beaches. Beaches mean swim suits. Swim suits can cause a women to panic seasonally any way. For me it is worse this season. I can't just go buy a suit. I have to find one that will fit a rubber boob into it. I could just be lop sided, but I really am too vain for that. So, what's a girl to do? Shops that sell suits that meet my needs are not found on every corner. I have turned to the internet. Here are a few links I have found: Can you imagine my shock when I discovered that lands end sells suits that fit a mastectomy prosthetic?! http://www.obxsunwear.com/post-mastectomy-swimwear/ I managed to find the coolest bottom. It is a skirt that is control top from the company spanx!

This is called assets by Sara Blakely a division of spanx. It is exciting to me that I have a bottom that will hold me in and give me a bit of confidence. I've also narrowed down my search for a top. Which one of these two do YOU like?

This is called the Bora Bora tankini.

This is called the Blue lemon tankini. Decisions decisions... The thing is, I am actually excited to get a suit. The reason is, I had expected the suits to be ugly and old fashioned or very mature looking. It seems all sorts of products marketed to women who have had masectomies are just butt ugly!!! But these sites had a large selection of very fun and really cute merchandise. It is bad enough not being healthy, but then having to choose the best of the ugly options is not fun at all and even a bit depressing. So, this was a happy surprise for me. I will let you know which one I choose. Let Me know which one you would go with. Leslie

How can I get chicken pox? I'm a vegetarian!

Well, people, today was my week one of three weeks of chemo. I found out what I already knew. The patch of itchy skin and sores on my lower back is the return of the shingles. Chicken pox 3 times in a 12 month period. The doctor instilled the seriousness of informing him when I have an outbreak of this. I have known for a week. I knew I was seeing him. Since I wasn't running a fever I waited until this week with my already scheduled appointment. Now I can add a new medicine to my list. I "get" to take an antibiotic daily. Indefinitely. It is a veritable pharmacy in my cabinet. Apart from that new and exciting change, chemo went well. NO barfing!!! That is a total good thing. It left me super fatigued and drained though. My Mo bear has been a great hubby to me today. Driving me there (because it is snowing here in Colorado. Once my labs were done he took me to breakfast at Che cafa'teria. We had a breakfast sandwich. And it was actually really yummy. After breakfast we saw Dr. R. Then there was chemo and a lot of dozing off. After that we came home and had more lazy dozing off, and watching tv. Mo even dozed briefly. LOL. Of course all three dogs were there, and they dozed quite soundly. It was a snowly, lazy day. I will keep you all posted as to the details and results of my PET scan. I really, really hope that I can go off of the taxol. Due to a huge blessing and tons of Mo bears hard work, we will be spending some time in the Camen islands in the month ahead. It would be so great to not have that sandwiched between chemo treatments. Well, I will let you know how it all works out. Thank you for reading my cancer confessions, Leslie

I feel so pretty, oh so pretty.

I say I feel pretty, but it is all very tongue in cheek. It is difficult to feel pretty when you have lost your hair, eyebrows and eyelashes. Plus being a one boobed bandit makes you feel oh sooooo attractive. Right now my hair is about 3 inches long. You can view a video of what I look like here at www.missditz-thebeautifullife.com
This is a link to my other site. One I started long before I had been diagnosed. You can follow some of the older videos to see my progress from being misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia through my actual diagnosis and some of my treatment. I took about 5 months off while being sick and moving across country and dealing with family issues.
Despite the fact that often cancer can leave you feeling unpretty. I have to say I am pretty happy to be alive. There is a song that I have beeh LOVING right now. It is sort of a theme song for my life. It's called afterlife by the band Switchfoot. There is a line in the lyric that says:

I've tasted fire, I'm ready to come alive.
I just can't shut it up and fake that I'm alright,
I'm ready now, I'm not waiting for the afterlife.

I really rock out when I listen to that song. To me it is all about living fully NOW when you're still alive. Not waiting for the afterlife. So, I may not be fully pretty, but I am fully alive. Making plans for the future, and living today. Just wanted to share that with you.



Thanks for stopping by,
Leslie

what do you do?

Yesterday I had my taxes done. The lady asked what I do for a living. It was hard to respond. I can't really work now that all my time is spent having chemo, tests, and fighting against fatigue! So, my answer was I survive. But she couldn't put that on the form so I said house wife. It sort of through me into a depression. To top that off life is happening around me. My oldest moved back to Texas. He left on a two day drive yesterday and arrived today. I knew that he was a Texas through and through when the first snow fell in Colorado and he told me he was homesick for Texas. I am so proud of him for setting out on his own. Moving is rough emotionally. I know that this move is good for him cause he has all his friends there, and it is familiar.

Now, how am I doing? The partial remission thing isn't as exciting as I thought it would be. Still being on the same chemo regime is tough. I am looking forward to taking my taxol break starting in May. The plan is to take Avastin and my zometa once a month for as long as I can before the metastasis spreads again. I am hoping for many months. It is my cancerversary this month. It was the 31st of March that I got the call, then on the 7th of Apri that I got the full picture of my diagnosis with the oncologist. Man it has been a long year filled with doctors and tests. But to go into even a partial remission so amazing. I am truly blessed. Now if my hair would just grow longer faster! I have that Twiggy short hair. Not my style. Oh well, You can't have everything

Leslie